The Lesbian Phallus

 “One risk I take is to be recolonized by the sign under which I write, and so it is this risk that I seek to thematize.”

—Judith Butler, Imitation and Gender Insubordination

——

In the cool, dark recesses of the common room, Madeleine worked alone. She saw no one, spoke rarely with anyone who happened to pass by, and generally kept her headphones tight and her eyes straight, so as to distance herself from anyone who may have social inclinations. She brushed her hair to the side every so often, even as it fell back down immediately after, even as it fell right into place once again, but as soon as she had moved it she forgot about it, if not for another few minutes more; once again her arm would drift idly towards her ear to wind the threads back under it. So it went, for hours, her eyes transfixed, her hand steady, scrit-scratchting notes onto her notebook, jotting down things here and there, reading, typing, messaging, watching, playing; with quick breaks to get some water, use the bathroom, or go back to her dorm to pick something up.

            And it was not unlike her, of course, to be like this, in such isolation, in such a quiet, undisturbed, still isolation; but, it was no matter to Madeleine, for the work came in reams, came in stacks, came in endless flows of papers and essays and study guides and books and depositions and posts and letters.

            Alex slid beside her.

            Alex wasn’t one for working, didn’t do much work, but always had it with her, always had it beside her for if she worked, when she chose to begin. But beginning wasn’t her strong suit, starting never began until the end. Alex settled down on a couch opposing Madeleine, with a little smile, a little knowing smile, that was wanting to be recognized and cognisized and appreciated. Madeleine shot a glance over, a quick removal and replacement, replacing her eye back to where it was, where it ought to be, but displaced for just long enough, for just enough time to see Alex looking back. And Madeleine smiled.

Madeleine didn’t know why she let Alex interrupt her. Madeleine had work to do, Madeleine was taking 19 credits this semester, she was taking 12 credits over the summer, 6 over the winter, 21 more in the spring. But Alex didn’t say anything, Alex remained silent for a moment, with the intention of completing something by the end of the day, completing something before Madeleine inevitably departed for the evening, inevitably left her to her own devices, inevitably left Alex to work late, deep into the night to complete her own work. Work she never seemed to be able to get done.

            “Where’s your laptop?” Madeleine said, eyes unmoved, expression otherwise frozen.

            “Broke.” Alex replied, face buried in the couch cushions.

            “What’re you gonna do about it?”

            “Nothing” Alex said, defeated, already expended, already showing she’d spent her absolute effort on it. Which is to say, not much at all.

            Alex shifted over her side and looked at Madeleine until she found herself looking back, then she stuck out her tongue jubilantly.

            “What?” Madeleine said, somehow concerned.

            “Nothing.”

——

            Alex slept in that morning—in her mind, strategically. Since her next class wasn’t until a little later, around 4:30, she had plenty of time to grab breakfast. Plenty of time to shower, plenty of time to shave, condition, get ready, get herself together in the morning. But Alex did none of that; Alex was definitely thinking about doing it, but nevertheless she failed to do so.

At the dining hall, in the corner of her eye, Alex spotted Madeleine, but she dared not approach. She dared not penetrate the casual velum which constructed their loose reality, their loose ties which only strung together, only knotted from around 9 to 1am in the common room. Even if Alex was supposed to be the confident one—and Alex was confident, Alex always made the first approach, always was the first to ask when and where, always to ask if and when, and how and why; for all the people she saw—she couldn’t feel confident here. She couldn’t possibly feel assured. But why? she’s my friend, we’re friends. It’s not weird for friends to hang out so much, right? It’s not weird or anything like that. I just like to see her; its nice to see her, its nice to see her most days out of the week. Not that that’s weird…its not, its really not.

            “Yo.” Madeleine said. She was standing right in front of her.

            “Oh, hey,” Alex said, slightly aloof, “what’s up?”

            “Nothing.” Madeleine said with a smirk. She looked bright.

            Now Alex and Madeleine were sitting across from each other at the table, instead of across from each other on the couches. Still that impossible distance—even if shortened by so many feet—sat between them. Madeleine was tucked into her phone, her headphones tucked onto her head.

            “What, cat got your tongue?” she asked.

            Max, who lived in the dorm, and chatted with Madeleine and Alex frequently when they were hanging out together—but not as frequently as Madeleine and Alex were themselves together—came by.

            “May I have this seat?” He asked in a regal tone.

            Madeleine indicated to him that his request had been granted, and Max took the seat right in between them, like a whale between two ships. His plate was full: 3 ribeye steaks, the rest was covered with spinach and broccoli and other vegetables. He began to eat silently.

            “Hey, Max,” Alex said, “you want to take this off my hands?” Alex wasn’t very hungry and had only eaten a small portion of the single steak she’d taken.

            “Sure, bring it over.” He said.

            Max said he had just been working out for a couple hours and he hadn’t really eaten anything all day. Alex and Madeleine knew and were aware of his eating habits and his physical stature, and Max was aware of this as well; it was mostly said to reenforce his own self-narrative.

            “You’re a big boy, arentcha?” Madeleine chided.

            “Maddy…” Alex said, playfully.

            Max was caught off guard, not by Madeleine, who spoke in turn with the kind of language, the kind of kiddy talk that he’d grown used to; kiddy talk used to undermine whatever image, however excessive, he was trying to produce. No, it was Alex, who’d developed a nickname for Madeleine. He looked over at the two of them, to see if anything had noticeably changed in their behavior towards each other since the last time he saw them. But it hadn’t, they acted pretty much the same. He knew they were good friends, but...maybe it worked differently for girls? Max couldn’t parse these two, he couldn’t figure them out. He couldn’t reasonably discover what was going on between them. He knew they weren’t super close or anything; he knew that they didn’t hang out all the time, just some of the time, in specific circumstances. He knew this and that and the other thing but not much, not much at all about the details of their relationship (for which, he cannot be blamed, since there weren’t many).

            He silently wondered to himself if he was making more connections than he ought. The two of them continued to faintly chat while he ate in near silence.

——

            In the morning, Alex rolled over and looked out the window as the sun was about to set. Madeleine was still snoring. She got out of bed and slipped on her shirt before going out to use the bathroom. Madeleine was still out by the time she got back. Alex just sat there, not sure what to do exactly, not quite sure if she should bug her or let her sleep; though it was far past when she would normally wake up. Really far past—though not for Alex; for Alex this was not an abnormal at all. Still, it was depressing; she had a long night ahead of her.

            The night before, Alex had been alone with Madeleine in the common room, as they usually were on the nights when neither of them had other plans or obligations. She had been feeling apprehensive.

            “Well, I can understand.” Madeleine said, without looking up.

            “I just don’t know what’ll happen if I’m alone in my room all night like I don’t know…” Alex said, slightly distressed and slightly emotionally vulnerable.

            “Ok.” Madeleine replied.

            “Yeah.” Alex said, waiting.

            They sat silently for a moment.

            “Could I maybe…” Alex started

            “Yes.” Madeleine replied.

            “Ok.”

            So that night Alex had a sleepover with Madeleine. They talked long into the night and every time Alex looked over at Maddy she was smiling, even in the dark Alex could pick out the curves of her lips and the warmth in her cheeks and the brightness in her eyes as she listened softly, softly to whatever silly words came out of Alex’s mouth; they talked about everything and nothing at once. They talked about their homes, they talked about their families and their hobbies and they played each other music that they hoped the other liked. It’s not that they didn’t want to get to bed, but every time it seemed like one of them was ready to fall asleep, the other brought something up that kept both of them awake; though eventually both of them tired of it, and both of them fell asleep without really wondering if the other had yet, since they both were too exhausted to care.

            Alex could stand the darkness easily, as long as she was with Maddy. She looked out the window and into the approaching night, her eyes intercepting every little twinkling from the streetlights which were ever so slowly flickering on one by one, sometimes a whole field of them flashed at once. And every pair of lights, like a cat’s eyes in moonlight, flashed as the cars passed by on the solemn road below, below in the shallow valley underneath their suburban campus. Their stars spinning as they drifted by, diamonds shooting off against the earth. She could see all that was in front of her, and the darkness slowly seeped through her eyes, into her body, until she could feel it fill her up entirely, until her entire body was suffused with the dark and the night. The silence of it, the unspeaking silence and quiet which permeated the darkness. The quiet contemplative absence, the lack of others. But Maddy was there, there right beside her, still snoring. Which to Alex was perverse, of course, to see someone so diligent sleep in so late, and seem to enjoy doing so. Because when Madeleine did eventually wake up, she seemed so unconcerned for the night, far less concerned than Alex. It’s like she didn’t even mind, like the light itself poured out from her eyes, the warmth of the sun drifting into Alex every time they looked at each other and smiled. Maddy had a thing to get to, and Alex was hungry, so they said goodbye. Though, not for too long, because they met again the next school night, as they always do.

Alex spent the remainder of the day alone in her room, for that was the only place one could go at 3am on a Saturday. How many nights had she spent alone now; how many classes had she missed this week? She couldn’t remember.

——

“My Boyfriend is coming to visit tomorrow.” Madeleine said.

            Alex was very disappointed for some reason.

            That evening Alex was alone, in her room. She didn’t want to see Madeleine; actually, she felt kind of gross. She felt slightly disgusted and a little unnerved. How was it that, in these last few months, nights that she’d spent mostly alone in the common room at night with Madeleine, how was it that she’d never mentioned a boyfriend?

Alex still went to hang out with Madeleine in the common room, because she still liked Madeleine; but the thought of her with her boyfriend, of her with him, grinded on her. She smiled when Madeleine smiled at her, but it was an empty smile, it didn’t mean anything.

Alex was alone in her room. She looked sullen, she wet her pillow with the very edges of tears. It was dark out, Alex wondered that, if she went missing, anyone would notice.

——

“Yo, Alex.” Max said as he walked by her room, which she was just exiting.

“Hey.” She said, downtrodden in a way she couldn’t even know to hide

Max continued to walk by, up the stairs, presumably to his dorm room. Alex went to the common room, which was deserted. She sat down on a couch and began to cry because she was alone, and she felt like it. She was too used to crying in her room. The tears slid down, they dripped onto the cushions which she held dearly to her cheeks; cushions as soft as her mothers arms, but without the warmth. The droplets created small wet patches, wetness which would easily dry off the cushions when they were replaced; could easily be hidden if they were flipped over. All the marks of her tears would disappear, and no one would see that she had ever cried; no one would have to.

“Yo…Alex.” Max said. He had only stopped to grab something and was on his way back out. Alex looked over to meet his eyes, then looked down and away, holding her gaze on something distant out the window. An old house across the way or maybe a bare oak in the distance, her eyes were fixed so they could focus on something.

“What.” She replied.

“You doing alright?” he asked.

“I don’t know.” She replied.

“You wanna talk about it?” he asked.

“Yes! I mean, no…she might come here.” She replied.

“She…you mean Madeleine?” he asked.

Alex didn’t answer. She just kept on looking, peering out into the distance and at the houses brimming, overflowing with light; at the trees as they swayed in the wind; at the leaves as they scattered in great sweeps, scattered off somewhere into the night, somewhere into the world, into the void, never to be seen again.

Max left.

——

It was midnight, Alex was alone in the common room, she’d been alone for some time. Her eyes were empty, her whole body felt empty. She decided to take a walk. She was wearing only a light, denim jacket over her clothes; though it was cold out, and the weather wasn’t great. But, she didn’t seem to care, and nobody seemed to pay attention to where she was going; or, if they did, it wasn’t so important, maybe only a passing thought as they peered out their windows and saw a girl clutching a jean-jacket, wandering into the darkness, perhaps thinking to themselves “I wonder where she’s going?” But not concerned enough to hold the thought. Even Madeleine saw her walk out, right before going to bed, but she was tired; and, because—from her window—she’d seen her walking around so many times, it didn’t register. Nobody had registered at all that anything was out of the ordinary. And was it? Was this such a strange sight to see; for someone to take a walk at night? Alex kept walking, as unconcerned. The wind whistled as it drew the leaves back and forth throughout the forest.